Dear campsite owner,

We are travelling Europe in a small camper van and would like to have the following things at a campsite, even if only once in the three months that we’ll be camping:

General

• Located within a short walk to the town or local tourist sites. Nobody can walk 5 km in “a couple of minutes”.
• A spacious pitch in which it is possible to open a car door without it banging against the neighbouring ‘van.
• Wireless wifi- or fixed-line internet working, especially if you advertise yourselves as having it.
• Laundry facilities, if advertised, to be functional. More than one washer per hundred ‘vans.
• Full-time site residents not allowed to sneakily signal other residents to indicate the freeing-up of the sole washer, ensuring that holidaymakers don’t get a look-in.
• Fruit trees pruned such that my towel–often found drying on the back of my deck-chair–does not get splattered with the sticky innards of any falling fruit.
• A level pitch, across both axis, such that I don’t wake-up with a) a red hed, or b) red feet, and c) Squiffy’s nose pressed-up against my head pressed up against a side-cushion, or d) vice-versa.

Bathroom

• Modern, clean facilities prefered.
• Toilet paper provided in seated areas.
• Soap provided.
• Something with which we can dry our hands; perhaps a hot-air blower or paper towels. A rag would make do.
• Sink plugs, so that I don’t feel like I’m wasting [probably cold] water when shaving.
• Something to separate the ‘wet’ area in the shower from the dressing area, to avoid the latter (and all our clothes) getting soaked each time we make an attempt towards personal cleanliness.
• Constant running shower water — having to push a button every two seconds to stop the shower cutting-out is not acceptable.
• Use of shower included in the campsite price. We are not amused to have to pay for a shower which gives us only 180 seconds of cold water before cutting-out completely. The pressure of watching the digital countdown timer is too intense for us.
• Running hot water in shower, bathroom and washing-up sinks; if at all possible, for the shower to maintain a constant temperature. Minor temperature fluctuations are inevitable — instant step-changes between an “it’s so cold that I can hardly move my arms” icy blast to “ohmygod-argh-hot-ARGH” hugging-the-walls-of-the-cubicle-to-avoid-getting-scalded-by-the-liquid-fire and then back to icicle again within a quarter-inch turn of the control is frowned upon.

Please let us know whether you have the majority, or even all, of the above — we’d be over to you in a heartbeat.

Yours sincerely,

daveb & Squiffy.